Friday, November 9, 2007

Fall Back

We changed our clocks last Saturday--falling back seems to be easier to adjust to than the spring forward deal. Perhaps we could all use an extra hour of sleep, but the truth is I just stayed up an hour later!

Diagnosis for my husband Bruce was over six years ago, and I often get frustrated about the lack of any progress in our lives. While getting his Asperger's diagnosis at 45 was simultaneously liberating and devastating, I really thought that we were heading somewhere after finding out the 'why' behind his behaviors.

Naively, I had hoped that being able to name the problem would help us deal with it.

Yesterday, we came home to a cold house. No, the furnace wasn't broken--Bruce just doesn't seem able to grasp how the thermostat settings should be determined.

In my childhood home, my dad took care of the environmental and repair issues. He carefully monitored the temperate comfort of our house, and fixed the cars when they needed it. You know--the dad stuff.

So...I have these expectations.

Alright, I admit that begrudgingly, I have accommodated mine--I know that Bruce cannot fix the cars, or the plumbing (or frankly most things mechanical), and that he will never show any real interest or aptitude in managing our financial lives. Just getting a job would be a big step for him.

But I really thought that I could teach him to reprogram the $50 thermostat every season.

I nagged him into doing it earlier this week, when the weatherman warned north Alabamians about the hard-frost that was coming.

And he did do it, dutifully going through the 'wake-leave-home-sleep' cycles and setting what he thought would be cost-saving temps for each.

Have you ever tried maintaining your home's temperature in the low to mid 60's? I woke up to a bedroom temperature of 59 degrees, two days ago!

So, when we arrived home and it was cold again, I walked my husband into the hall, and asked a few pointed questions....Haven't we gone over this before? Don't you know that 63 degrees is too cold for us to live comfortably? Didn't you listen when I've explained this last year?

He doesn't remember. I forgot, too.

I forgot that no matter how many times I train him in some appropriate task, that it's a dice-throw. Bruce will probably do it right in that first moment, but give him a week or a month from now, and he probably won't be able to access the information that applied to the task.

And where you or I might improvise, research, or ask questions, Bruce will just grab or guess at a conclusion based on his own illogical reasons. He sincerely wanted to help us save money on our utility bills, so he set the thermostat with no practical consideration for the comfort and health of the humans around him.

Yep, I fell back. Right into the hole of my old expectations, and frustration. I can justify myself with good reasons--my need to be taken care of (I've had a bad cold), my frustration at repeating the same instructions week after week, my crazy stress in trying to work two or more jobs while raising autistic kids and going to college--lots of good reasons.

I think that I'm the slow learner. Bruce forgives me for my rant about the thermostat--it's just hard to forgive myself.