Christmas Presence

I hope that many of you truly enjoyed the true meaning of the holiday with loved ones around you.

If you have an autistic family member, then you probably know that the holidays can also be super-stressful. Changes in routine, having company over, family gatherings, and yes, those pesky holiday expectations, all adding to the autistic meltdowns, disappointments, leaving early, or in many cases, never even going out. This year, I missed the only Christmas party I was invited to, because one of my Asperger's sons was flipping out. I just couldn't go and risk his adolescent, out-of-control behavior for a few hours.

Silly me, I want my life to look like those diamond jewelry commercials. You know, the husband buys his wife the diamond necklace/bracelet/earrings of her dreams to tell her how cherished she is. He smiles knowingly as her eyes grow wide in amazed realization--"he really loves me!" is the message.

Well, my guy doesn't buy presents. Last year, sinking to a new low, I purchased my own presents so the kids wouldn't be distressed about my not having anything from them or their dad. This year, I decided to let them in on the truth. My husband didn't even try to get in the car to go shopping... not even a bookstore or Wal-Mart gift card. Nada.

I'd never experienced nothing under the tree before.

Actually, I found that I was strangely calmed by letting his actions speak for themselves. Instead of manipulating the circumstances to make our family holiday look more "normal", I just left the situation in the hands of whoever wanted to contribute. And my boys did try--I was proud of them. My 13-and 16-year-old sons, helped me finish painting the kitchen several days prior to our Christmas dinner, and my nine-year-old didn't pout about only getting one inexpensive Christmas toy this year, since finances are tough.

I felt less depressed than I have in years, and since I didn't have to lie and cover-up for their dad's non-involvement, well, I didn't get terribly disappointed either.

Besides, it's not actually about the presents is it? Honestly, what I've been longing for all these years is my husband's presence in our family holidays--the intimacy of mutual decisions, plans for our future, and the opportunity to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. And that's not going to happen for us in the near future.

So, a gift-wrapped expression of affection and appreciation isn't the biggest deal. I really just wish he'd thought about me this holiday.